estranged

When a romantic couple becomes estranged, there's no collective assumption as to who is to blame.

When friendships grow distant, it isn't “always the < insert descriptor >.”

Relational estrangement doesn't inherently imply that abuse was present, or any other harmful dynamic. People grow apart for many reasons and in many ways. When we want to know what happened between estranged parties, we ask.

I am estranged from my mother. This is due to some choices she made, and some choices I made.

I am estranged from my daughter. This is due to some choices she made, and some choices I made.

I am estranged from my friend's adult son. He ghosted me after borrowing $20 in a crisis. Some of my choices, and some of his.

When a group of people estranged in the same way includes some who indicate that they are unwilling to take responsibility for their choices, that doesn't implicate the whole group.

The group of people who loan and are not repaid includes some who may have made ill-advised choices and some whose choices may appear justified.

I get tired of hearing how it's absolutely always entirely the fault of estranged parents, from people who don't know my mother, don't know me, don't know my daughter, maybe don't know much beyond what they're projecting.

I see (and readily mute!) the estranged parents who are loudly signaling their perpetual holiness, absorbed in their precious grief but giving no sign of any desire to inventory their personal accountability or engage in relational repair.

I understand the urge to slam some reality into them.

That's not how that works.

My mother is a victim of the entire world. In our last, indirect contact, she demonstrated that she still has no capacity for the simple truth, much less for taking responsibility for her choices or for relational repair. She was directly confronted. She doubled right down. This is statistically the most likely human response.

But she's not the whole group of estranged parents.

Neither am I, who have healed, learned, grown, and changed so dramatically in the years since last contact with my daughter that she really doesn't know me any more.

If one is opposed in principle to group prejudices like racism, mysogyny, etc., one might also consider that the same principle could be applied to other groups of humans, being human, with all the messy nuance with which we human.

I mean, or jump on the bandwagon and blast those bastards for everything somebody else did to you. But as temptingly dark and juicy as that bite might be, it gets no one anywhere nearer the collective movement toward relational repair for which our entire planet is crying out.

“If you wanna make the world

a better place

gotta look at yourself

and make that change” -M.J.

I think I've been clear, but to be clearer still, this is not about suggesting that anyone rush into repair or even any level of contact with anyone who has been abusive. Stay safe out there.

Relationship is a privilege. Life is a privilege. As a species, we are crying out for fundamental changes in the way we value, maintain and repair relationships. All I know to do is to tend my point on the web. Change starts with me, in me.

Thanks for reading. ❤️‍🔥